Still learning to .: Love :.

Every now and then I will look back in journals from the previous year during the same month to see where I was then and where I am now. Sometimes it is encouraging to see how far God has brought me. Other times, like today I see that I deal with the same lessons/struggles over and over again. Amazingly what I wrote one year ago today could be written again this day. The same feelings overwhelm me. It was comforting to know that as I read this I could not figure out exactly what I was writing about...or who I was writing about. I am so thankful that God offers grace to forgive. Praying for that grace again.

April 22, 2007

I can’t sleep.
SOoo… I Thought the words falling off of my hands as I type might be a little therapeutic.
A little creativity sometimes helps me.
Feeling hurt.
Trying to figure out “what I did wrong” towards someone who is very obviously upset with me.
Knowing that this is a “growing moment” and trying to let it go and give it all to Him.
Spending lots of time in prayer…
Praying the same thoughts and words over and over again…praying for my heart to soften, show forgiveness…
Praying for sensitivity.
My heart is definitely in a battle...
Caught between what I know is right and the overwhelming feeling of hurt, disappointment, frustration and anger.


I love you.


He tells me.


I love you.


He overwhelms me.


I struggle and fight for every “right” feeling but truth be told I cannot have a single righteous, forgiving, loving feeling apart from Him.
When my heart is filled with anger and bitterness it has no room for love…
His love.
Fighting that anger.
Fighting the bitterness.
Praying for His amazing grace to flow over me.
Knowing that not only time will heal but HE can heal. He can help me forget,
He can help me to move on.
Yes, this has been therapeutic.
His words written on my heart are healing.
I am loved more than I can imagine by the Creator of the Universe, the Savior of my soul.
Therefore I can love more…
Do more…
Be more for others.
Apart from Christ I am Nothing.
But through Him I have everything.
I can love.
Yes, I can love.


P.S. I love You
I hear Him say again
I am truly overwhelmed that His thoughts are even for me.

And it is by His love and grace that I will love, even when love is hard to “feel.”